What I Was Used To

I didn't know that it was going to turn out like this with me. I never thought that I had the will in me to act as such.

My mother has always been the one that has decided for me. Not that it was against my will. I was young and obedient, my mother overprotectful. I always did what was needed to please her. Everything I did was geared towards pleasing her. I've been getting straight A's since I was 8. She never said anything when my grades came in or when I got awards, she just took them silently. My 4.7 GPA didn't even get a nod. But when I mess up, heaven forbid my getting away with it. An A- is terrible in her eyes, and it will always be brought up. I haven't gotten a B in years, because it takes a long while to live in down. Anything good I do was never acknowledged with outward displays of happiness. I don't want things as reward, I just want to see that I've made you happy. Failures, no matter how small were always maginified and made a big deal.

But I never let that bother me, I didn't think about it too much while I was growing up. When I got to high school, things got more pronounced as my mother acted as such. Not to brag, but 4 first honors and 1 second honors during freshman year and yet she didn't say anything.

My whole life was geared to what she wanted and not failing. I didn't want to fail, I had to be perfect.

Lately,life has been really stressful. Academics alone, 5 weighed classes takes up a lot of time. On top is the Barkada duties and AP meetings. Then we add the social stuff at school. I love my best friends and they get me through stuff, and we all deal with each other's drama like it was ours. Drama. Then add the parents always fighting, and the deal with the grandparents who are like their mirror image only older. And all the other stuff that comes in as part of being a teenager: crushes, work, fears, insecurity...everything in,please.

One small mistake and then things blow up in my face. There go all my achievements flying past my face, like nothing but tatters of a garment in the wind. And then I was bad. Bad for forgetting, bad for being lost, bad for not getting it right. If I didn't get it right, I was bad and had to fix myself.
I grew up learning to conform myself to what others wanted...