I'm Human

I'm human, but sometimes I forget that. I did forget that.

I was raised to be perfect and I strived for it. I wasn't allowed to slip up. I forgot that I was entitled to make mistakes. I'm human, and that means that I need to love the people in my life and look for it in return. But I always admonished myself. I'm human and that entitles me to be selfish sometimes. But all I ever did was put every single person before my needs. And that did mean every one. Every average Joe and whatnot that came along pleading for my aid would be tended to. That's how I was, never tending to myself first. The way I lived was so...mechinal. I enjoyed my day to an extent, but it always constituted of a lot of the same attitude. Not necessarily the same routine, but it was just all the same to me. I didn't feel the variety in it.

Maybe the lack of variety came from only having Liezl as company 24/7. The morning walks around school from 7 to the bell, walking to class, the breaks, the lunches, the late phone calls and texting, all her. And I did that over and over. And I never really saw how boring it was making things. Or maybe, I didn't realize that was what made them so boring. Not that it's her fault, that's just what happened.

And living in such a state where I forgot the aspects of being human, I didn't realize that I froze myself. I froze myself into this emotional state where I didn't grow. My happiness knew bounds and didn't cross them. My sadness didn't spill over. My anger was just there with the hate. Nothing moved. I wasn't lifeless, just contained. And it wasn't all Liezl, it was probably also all the expectations for me to be perfect as well. But that's what happened, I froze.

Things spilled over. And it started in September when I lost Liezl and other feelings spilled out. I, as a human, loved and lost and grieved my heart out for months. And then he left. Following came the worst week ever, and I cried and I was scared and angry and hateful. And then this whole business of being perfect practically killed me and I cried more and just lost it. And then it died, and I was relieved and set free. And then I thought I was strong and felt that Liezl relapse a few days ago and lost it again. And now I sit here, typing all this, trying to make sense of what's going on.

I think it's the effects of being set free. I'm finally allowed to be human now. To really be alive in the ways I see fit. I get to choose what I'm going to do at school. I choose who I hang out with,who I speak to. I speak to so many people every single day and no one stops me or pulls me away to walk to some stupid place to look for that damn senior that doesn't give a hell about you anyways! (sorry, just had to get that memory of her off my chest).

Now, I can make mistakes. I can fall where I want and no one will hate me for not doing something right the first couple times around. Instead, I really feel like the people I choose to have in my life now will support me, not hate me or condemn me for my shortcomings. I can love the people who are in my life and be thankful for them. And, well side note, since my sister is a worst case then me, my mother doesn't react when my sister tells her I like someone. And I'm turning away from those people that just use me. I'm not going to be their only hope anymore, sorry. As sad as it sounds, what have they ever done for me for me to break my back and sacrifice everything for them? Helping is a good thing, but it has limits and I need to set that or else I'm going to break down. No more break downs.

I'm realizing that this is what it's like to be human :erroneous, romantic, loving, kind, selfish, selfless, aware, angry, hateful, sad, mournful, happy. It's a wide scope of things that goes beyond so much more than the soul can say. And that's what it is. That's what life is. This journey I'm on now has taken a different path now. Is it the better one? Maybe. But is there really a better one that exists? Who's to say really.I just know that things will be different now. Things will be what I want. Things will be me. And I will be...human.