She's back, eating away at me again. I thought I had it. Well... no I did! I was so sure that I could live without her in my life...and I was doing fine. And I thought that I could do this so easily after the months of depression that sunk in and nearly killed me. I thought I could do this so easily without anymore relapsing at all. It was a new year resolution!!! But I don't know if I can do it as strongly as I'd like to!
I wanted a clean slate this year and I really thought that I had turned my back on her with that long post I did at the beginning of this year. But I'm failing!!!
Why oh why is this happening again?!
I was strong, wasn't I?
I had it!!! I made myself stronger and then I get blown off by this!
Everything about her just eats away at me now.
She's ashamed of her culture, that's why she did all she could to lighten herself. She doesn't like being Filipino, I know that. She wants to be the other asian that she reverers. What the heck is up with the cross-dressing, too?! All that you do is eating me away!!! And now what you have done now is terrible.
She's all over asian contest sites now, with a fake name.
What are you doing?! Why are you doing that?! Are you ashamed of your own name now!? And using a fake ethnicity. You aren't Korean!!! You're Filipino!!!!! I remember the phone calls we always made where you told me all your family said you were only filipino when everyone around us thought otherwise... and now you want to lie to the asian public!!!!
What are you doing?!?!?!
Oh my, this is breaking me....maybe I should go and just write my story
January 24, 2009
Faltering
Sincerely, Maryanne signing off at, 6:46 PM
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1 common musings:
oh Maryanne!
I know you are strong and you can get through this! You have to stay strong! BE THE ROCK! The ROCK is Unmovable! Unfaltering! UNSTOPPABLE!
You made a resolution already, and resolutions are like promises. And you're really good at keeping promises.
And you said that this whole "thing" will not bother you anymore, so it won't! This "thing" is trying to test you, see? So you will win! It's trying to win, BUT IT SHALL NOT! You have a powerful resolve and the will to WIN against this..."thing"...whatever it may be. And you have your friends with you. That was a part of your resolutions, right? To make stronger bonds with your friends? Friends help friends no matter what. Everyone has those times when that "thing" we think we got rid of just turns around and comes right back at us. But if you can beat it down once more (even again and again), you come out as a stronger and better person because of it. I'm starting to ramble on here, but the point is that we all falter at times (some more than others) but we have to regain our foothold and stand straight back up and show that "thing" who's boss! And when you succeed, you feel a lot better and be happy! I BELIEVE IN YOU! DEFEAT THE "THING"! (or scare it away into a deeeeeeep dark hole with no exit sign, whichever you prefer)
...i'm sorry...i'm really bad at this whole "motivationally heartfelt speech" business...never has been my forte...it's my first time really writing something like this...and i'm reading this again and it seems really corny and all that...so if it sounds bad and looks like weirdo ramblings, just forget about it...but i thought I should at least give it a go...eh hehe
...i need to work on this kind of stuff...but..uh...not bad for a first time?
This last part is waaaaaay easier:
Magic Notebook help Maryanne!!!
XD
P.S. I don't know if what I wrote is any good at all, but if you made it this far, thanks for at least reading all the way through!
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