Now I Understand

You might find it ridiculous, but I really think that you never understand something until you truly live through it. You never see the other side of something, never understand the others' shoes, unless you experience parallels. But even then, it only gets you so far on seeing eye to eye sometimes. That's when you really look back and see life from another perspective. Well, it might be considered childish, but I'm going to do this anyways. Anime/manga characters often make some pretty deep insights, whether or not we wish to acknowledge it. Fruits Basket, some points in that manga have made me tear up because they're so true, so real. But there were other things that I might have not understood at the time. But looking back on it now, I think I know better what that means.

Yuki Sohma once described his constrained relationship with his mother as 'words die with her.' I didn't understand how that could be possible, or even applicable. Even when events with his mother enveloped and she cut him off, I couldn't grasp the concept. It was not until my own mother began to take that behavior with me that I saw what it truly meant. When your words die, you can't defend yourself. When words die, you can't speak. When your words die, they're like determined arrows striking a formidable shield and it's like watching their broken shafts fall limpless at your feet, never effective. To speak up is useless, but the urge is there. But that burning desire to defend yourself or speak up in the smallest inkling is fatal. To breathe life into thoughts and give them voice is to give her the power to destroy your soul. With just a harsh shushing or even worse reprimand, not only do your words die. Your soul is being killed just as harshly. Now I understand why Yuki cried every time he spoke with his mother; it was because he wanted to speak for himself so badly, but couldn't. To keep your thoughts in and not speak leads to them escaping in the tears that cascade down your face at the end of your encounter. Each tear, the grave of unborn words that never made it out alive. 

Isuzu Sohma; let me just say, she's amazing. Headstrong, independent, rude, long-hair, she's amazing. The things she went through, being shunned by her family and having her health fail on her but still managing to keep going; not to mention how she coldly gazes upon the world to keep herself protected, it's incredible. In regards to her relationship with Hatsuharu, she said 'Kind people are clung to, I feel sorry for them.' Once, I didn't get it. I didn't get it all. I thought to myself that kind people were so incredibly, they were blessed beyond all reason to have wonderfully good hearts that never tired. I couldn't understand why she pitied them so. But when I found out about Chris, I think I understood what she meant. Even though he had waited for a year and a half and still hadn't said anything, even though he knew he I liked, he was still kind to me. He still treated me kindly and took good care of me. And I thought to myself, why didn't he hate me just a little bit? I didn't return his sentiments the way that he wanted. And he even helped me with who I liked! Why? Why would you do that, help the one you like speak to the one they like? So selfless, so selfless that even though it must have hurt him, he did that anyways. It was then that Isuzu's words came back to me. Kind people, I once thought them incredibly blessed, from then on I saw them simultaneously cursed.That's because kind people always seek the happiness of others without considering themselves sometimes. That hurts them, but they don't acknowledge their suffering. Foolish and wonderful and the same time.

Looking back on this, it makes me terribly sad and yet I understand exactly why now...