I'll Never Be Ok

I'll never be all right knowing that deep in my heart one of the deepest and darkest sins that I've ever committed was to abandon a friend; not only a friend, but a best friend. I know deep in my heart the reasons that I did what I did, and to be judged based solely upon that is not what I seek. Actually, I don't know what I seek to divulge in order to be understood, or whether or not I even want to know what others shall say. The fact stands, nearly two years have made their mark upon my life after having made that life-changing decision; the decision I solely made by myself.  At first, it was so hard to have chosen that, but after graduation I found myself easing into it. By high school,I taught myself to form a habit of as if I did not ever know her, and eventually succeeded in ridding myself of her. I thought I had done it.

But, whenever she came to mind, I was so disgusted by everything. Everything everything everything. I won't say why, but there was no way that I was going to travel that dark path emblazoned with bad influence. So I let go. 

Without a sound

without a word

I bid farewell

But no one heard

I'm terrible, I know that. I don't blame you for thinking that you either because I was the one, I was the one to break it and I had no right. I never told you anything because I thought that severing the tie as smoothly as possible would be to never say anything and to just do it. Initially, I truly truly felt that it was the best way to do things. And I truly thought it worked. 

But then I lost Liezl and it was then that I started to think to myself about the gravity of the thing that I had done. 

I turned around and walked away from friendship, from you. And I did that all on my own. I did that all without a word, without any indication. 

It took a second time for me to murder a bond without seeing the dried blood on my hands from the first crime. I'm terrible from destroying that. It surprises me that I'm not notorious for what I've done yet..If the next one and the next one and the next one also come to pass, I won't be surprised. Well, it'll kill my soul again and again, but I know I'll deserve it. Every bitter piece of pain that is like a fragment of glass in my heart is going to be 100% deserved.

No, I'm no masochist for physical pain. I hate it. But emotional and mental pain. Sometimes, I know that the choices I make are the ones that will hurt me and it's all my fault for that. But when I deserve it, I deserve it.

Case in point, it was brought up. That's how I know, absolutely know that I've done wrong. It impedes. That's why. That's why things are broken.

Well, after seeing her state after Lolo died, my heart softened. Just a little, just for him. I thought that it was all right. I tried to fix things, no I didn't. I just tried to be nice.

But whenever I see her face and see her slinking over guys that I know, guys that I'm good friends with, I get so disgusted. When I see her old self not only still existing but intensified, I get sick. And then I get this odd, burning desire. I know what it is, it's hate, isn't it? I hate that slinking form in front of me, fitting her contours onto another. And I get so angry. The ire builds up inside me and I find myself cursing. I curse aloud and I bang my fists against the table and I want to shout. But I don't. I do my best to remain civil. One of us is the civil one, darling, one of us always us. The other one never was. 

You're a seed. A seed sown to make anger grow inside of me. I don't even know how you do it..All that needs to happen is for me to see you and I blow up. It's going to destroy me. It does. It didn't when I made those choices, it only did minimally. But now, I'm breaking apart at the seems. And I do my best to make it look so pretty, i do my best to make myself look wonderfully all right. But the truth is, when I see your slinking self crawling and fitting your contours around, I die. My soul is set on fire and then when the inferno seeps in, it dies at the apex. I can't take this anymore.

I thought I could fix this myself, just like how I broke it myself. At the very least, I thought that I could make it so disgust didn't creep in whenever I saw your face. But you know what? I can't do it. I hate it. I hate how I'm such a child. I should grow up and finish this. But I just can't do it. I'll never be able to fix it. And so I'll never be ok.