The Ties That Aren't Binded

I find that it should suffice for me to say that my family is not a close-knit cozy little unit. We don't all get along. Out of the 15 siblings my father has, I believe 12 are alive. There is only one uncle on that side that we can commune safely with. All the family is on my father's side. The youngest of his siblings is the unofficial head of the family. If you have a bone to pick with her, then you are automatically isolated from every other member of that side of the family. Anyone crossing parameters is labeled another outlaw and you will not see one another for years. When I was young, our gatherings were always wonderful and immense. Now, we can't do that. Now, we aren't always welcome. Fighting is ridiculous because it brings in the innocent. 

I remember when the breaking all began; I shattered the most, I think. I would spend days watching those old home videos and falling into tears and beating the floor. What a fool, what a pity. There was nothing that I could do. Just the child of one of the siblings, the one they always stood against because they disapproved of his wife. My mother was never good enough for them. Them with their upturned noses and perfect superiority. They always found something wrong with her. They would note the little flaws in my sister and I and attribute them to my mother. Anything they deemed worthy of praise was claimed to their side of the family. What would I give to say that I don't possess an ounce of there genetics in my blood. Needless to say, my sorrows were a wasted effort. I spent months mourning that loss, what what had I lost?

Family, sure. Family. What was that then? Family was their side. Family was going there every holiday and being scrutinized and criticized and bashed. It was favorites. It was sides. It was biased. It was one-side. It was judgmental. I didn't need it, but I thought I did. 

My mother's side bears an uncle and my only set of grandparents. Lola helped raise me and I grew alongside my cousin that she raised with us since his mother didn't want him. Lolo flew over from the Philippines. Because my father could not get along with them for long, the three of them moved from apartment to apartment as my cousin grew up. Then, he moved to the same school in the same grade as my sister after he was beaten up severely. Life was steady. And then Lolo died. It was the first tragedy our family dealt with, and I'll never forget how out of breath we all were when we ran up the stairs of the apartment to find four paramedics over him sprawled on the floor unconcious. I'll never forget how hard Angelyn sobbed when they took him away, when she was too young to visit him, and when I had to to tell her that he died.  

We don't see Lola everyday anymore unlike before Lolo died.

And of course, there are how my parents are.

I think about it all and realize that what is there to do? What is there that I have done? What time is it that I have wasted? What have I missed out on?

I find that I don't want to be with my father's side of the family anymore. Yes, the family is all there. That is where they all congregate. But I think that I've had enough. Enough of the critcisms, enough of the hurt, enough of the blaming, and enough of the fighting. I find myself weary of the on and off periods that have spanned the years. Things broke, they were ohkay, they are broken again. I think the point is that they are never going to get along again. Ohkay. Fine. Maybe when I can drive I can meet up with my two atehs that never wanted to get involve and the three of us can do what we can to keep the bond alive. But we aren't going to rely on the adults anymore. The adults that behave like children seeking those damned little teddy bears. 

I really miss seeing my Lola everyday. It's ridiculous when her apartment is less than a five minute walk. Just you wait, Dad. I will go see her whether you want me to or not. You can't keep me from my Lola.

I think that I've come to realize is that there is too much in life to expect to be perfect. There is too much to mend sometimes, and sometimes there is a reason why they are not mended. They just can't be. And we have to learn to deal with that. All this family business, I'm done with it na. I do believe that I have accepted every facet of the situation as best as possible and have come to grips with the fact that this life of mine is just going to have to plow on without a strong bond of family behind it anymore. Maybe it's my own journey to recreate that for myself, and I'll gladly do it. I will gladly carry out the purpose if that is one God has given me to do. I will gladly lay out my life according to His plan if that is what it is to be.

Chin up, God loves you. It's all going to be all right.