There are just little things that can also make me happy. When that happens, I tend to get really really happy. I just need reassurance, I'm so weak that way but that's how it is. I feel loved and you didn't even know it. You didn't even have to say the words.
I just always have that constant nagging feeling inside me that needs to reminded it's loved or else it gets insecure. I have friends that tell me that, and I do feel that. But, there's something about being a perfectionist that just makes you want to make sure that everything is ohkay with everyone. That everyone you know...loves you. That sounds so conceited, but I don't mean it in that way. It's just that I always get so scared that if for a moment that lapses, then I've lost you. I've lost a lot already and it never goes away. The fear of losing people just gets deeper all the time. Of course, that's a part of life. I just need to embrace it but it's so hard. It's hard enough as it is when it happens, I don't want to have anything to do with just letting it happen if I can prevent it.
There's always that fear and it sounds so pathetic and so childish. But what else do I have to hold onto in the end? When my family isn't there who do I have to cling to? I need my friends so badly and after losing a lot of people and seeing how bad people can be, I get really afraid. I can't deal with anything alone. I'm working on it and I've come to realize it isn't always shyness it's downright fear. I need to get over that fear by realizing that the people that love me really do and won't leave me. It's not a matter of trust but that other fear. The fear that I might not be good enough and left behind. That fear is still in my head all the time, at the back of my mind. I feel it all the time. But I need to shake that off
There are a lot of things I need to get over and understand and realize and accept before I grow up. If I ever had a lot of thinking to do that would be now. But where do I fit that all in? I've drawn up the work schedule now, should be done by the end of the month if I stick to it. I need to. I need to find time to make a dent in that novel so that I can find a publisher by the end of the summer. I'm dead serious now. I've never wanted this more than ever. If I could just get at least one novel published before I graduate, it would be a milestone for me. I need to do this, I need to , I need to. I don't care about the sleepless nights. I have two months, I need to get so much done. I need to.
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