Self-realizations and then some...

Mistakes, everyone makes them. When you find yourself suffering from a major one, it can be shattering. I will not lie, I hate to make mistakes because I don't want to know what people will think of me once I do that. To avoid that, as how I want to avoid every possible thing that could go wrong, I scrutinize myself... a lot. I do that to the point where I am never happy with who I am. I get so meticulous that I destroy every good thing about myself and warp them to make myself look bad in front of myself. I didn't realize how much I do this until my mother had that talk this weekend. I was crying for the whole hour, just apologizing to her for being so insensitive, for never seeing anything anyone means, for being irritated with everyone, for being such a (female dog). And then she told me, that if I was all those things, then how have I been capable of being a light at SLYM during AE? How was I capable of helping so many friends not fail and not hate themsevles? In short, she asked me, how could I save others if I was all that I thought I was. It was then that I realized how right she was, because I've been capable of so much, yet I always told myself that I wasn't qualified to do that. If I hadn't been, would I really have achieved all that? I knew the answer was no and it was no because I'd been wrong. Wrong to put myself down that much when it turns out that I wasn't like that at all. 

Theresa, we both messed up with those guys. But that doesn't make us bad, on the contrary, that makes us human. We're meant to make mistakes to better understand not only ourselves, but also others. There are so many things in this world we have yet to learn. Learn. Learning is not taking something and getting it right the very first and every time. Learning is taking something and seeing what we can do with it and then realizing what is right to do with it. In this process, the only way we realize what is right is to sometimes find the wrong ways. That way, what is correct becomes apparent, almost in a fashion like a process of elimination. Don't be too hard on yourself on what happened. Misunderstandings are no one's fault. We just missed the point. But that's ohkay. We can try again and get it this time; we can learn. 

Camille, no matter what goes on in our lives, no one lacks purpose. Everything happens for a reason. You happened for a reason. God does not make useless things. All He makes is good and He wants you to share that good with others. God wouldn't have made you if He didn't have a plan for you. It's hard to see that sometimes, even easier to forget when it feels like the whole world is against you. I get that. But just trust in God and know that whatever is going on is in His plan for you, and He would never put harm in your way.

Caitlin, I want you to know that your last post really hit me,too. It's so hard for me to be able to look at someone and accept for they changed. it almost makes me afraid to look at myself and see how I've changed. But know this, what you do with the present is what matters the most. The past is the past, and that's that. The future, it'll get here. What can we do until then? But the now, the now is what impacts you. 

Nicole, when it's done...it's done. I know that it's hard to stop wallowing backwards, I do that a lot myself. But it takes time to realize that what you have now will be better than the resentments you have in the past. Never wish them away though, because it is through those resentments that you are able to rise up and make a better today. That better today will carry over to a better yesterday. And when that happens, you can look back and trace your journey from your first step at the bottom to your trek up to the apex. I hope when you look back, you're proud.

Colene, no matter how hard things end up being, it won't always be like that...I promise. Things might feel like they will be stagnant, but nothing ever remains the same. Sometimes, taking the initiative is the only way we can spark changes that we want to see. And that's the best way. If there are changes you want to implement, it's best to let it start with you. Be the example for others to follow and you won't be disappointed when they change, because you started it. It's a long road that many take forever to achieve, but it's worth it when things mean that much to you. Keep the faith.

There are still things that I need to fix with myself, after all , who doesn't have that? Each and every one of us is human and I dare you to find a person that does not have a flaw. But I realize now that the things I need to fix must be the right things. They must be there in order for me to fix them, or else I waste my time. You can't fix what isn't there. I want to fix the right things from now on. 

I love all of you guys!