She's Perfect

In the back of my mind, I always knew it. She was the one that would make it to that point that both of us strove for. I knew that.  I knew that with all my heart, and yet...I refused to give in to it. But she had it from the start, and I never let on that I knew that, but I did. I let it go the way it was going to go. I made minor adjustments, but really now, you can't fight genetics. Neither could she, but somehow, someway, she defied it. And it's that, that defiance that I look towards to this day. I see the proof, always, everyday. 

You, you are the exact epitomy of what we ever hoped for. You, you have attained the unattainable and you have reached that paramount peak. You, you are there in that sphere of being that you wanted to be in. You, you're so pretty and you know it. You know that now. You know that you're at that peak that we always wanted to get to. You know that you're the perfect idealized being that we always sought. 

But you'll never know about me. You'll never know that this wracks my heart. You'll never know the tears I may have shed over such a fruitless reason. Wasted tears over someone that doesn't know they're being shed for her, being shed over loss, being shed out of pity. Tears that were never known to be shed because things ended badly and were never settled. Things that were better left unsaid.

If you ever did, the only feasible reason for all this is jealousy. Warranted, that's a plausible assumption, but I truly must disagree with you. Because I know my own heart and mind, and I'm sick of all the preguided misconceptions and mislead assumptions. If you wanted the truth, you should have never asked around. But it's too late to go back to all that now, isn't it? Besides, you don't want to. It's over for you, it's died. Well, whatever it is, it haunts me. That spectre still haunts me. 

The ghost that comes to me is a shadow of your former self. I know it's true identity, and I miss it. In fact, I mourn over it's mental corpse often. I gave it a proper eulogy and burial, but you...you stamped your foot over the grave, spat on it, and then left without looking back. You shed no tears. You had no sorrow heavy in your heart. You didn't mourn. Why didn't you mourn?

Where you glad to be rid of her? Was it because she held you back and then you were set free? Now you're free to do whatever you want, is that it?

Now you're free to be perfect!

Now you're free to be beautiful!

Now you're free to throw caution to the winds and never be held back!

The shreds of your dignity, your image, your self-control, your heart, your whole self, why did you leave them strewn aside?

Why didn't you at least bury them with her? 

The least you could have done was given them a proper farewell, the least you could have done was left them in a box neatly.

why why why?

Why did you leave them strewn aside, left for me to pick up in your wake?

That's right, I was still behind you, left to pick up the broken pieces.

Why?

Because, it's all I would have left of her. I can never visit that grave, whenever I try, I break on the way there. 

I know, I've been on that path countless times. I haven't died along with her, I'm still here. I'm here, keeping a useless memory alive. I need to leave it alone, I always come close to it, but I always fail in the end. 

Silly silly me, I know I'm not that strong. Not like you.

There's so much I admire in you, and yet, it's all gone for you. You, you hate me. Cheers, to life, my dear.That bitter savage force.