What's Wrong With Me?

As of now, I am just very confused. I don’t really know what I want anymore. When people are around, what I want is what will make them happy and nothing more. That’s what I am, a robot essentially. I do what I’m told, what is expected of me, no matter what sort of toll it takes on me. Not that I am surrounded by bad people. They are actually very good people, and I just don’t want to disappoint them. But I really don’t know what I want.

Forgive and Forget. For one thing, I want to forgive Liezl, if only in my heart. It just feels so un-Catholic of me to have that weight of not forgiving her in my heart. I won’t do that to her face, I don’t think I can forgive her to her face, but at least for the Lord, I can do that. I’m not ready to let go of it out in the open yet, if ever. But that least in my heart, I want to be able to. Even if no one else knows, at least I will, and God. Does that even make any sense?

People. I don’t know what I want. That guy spun me around a lot, no one’s ever done that, so maybe that’s why it’s still taking a while to recover. Around my friends, it’s just easy to believe that he’s just not the one right now or ever. But when I get home, is it wrong to feel sad that he wasn’t the one, even a little? I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t even think about that anymore and just focus on school. But then again, that’s all I ever do, which is why I’m so inexperienced with people in the first place. So I don’t know if I am ready to let go. But there’s that guy at Confirmation that I’ve liked since last year and still haven’t spoken to properly. We know each other, but I’m too shy to even say hi. Can I really change that now? Do I have the resolve to? I don’t know if I want to anymore. I really just don’t know. So much the rock solid resolve last well.

Health. All right, so I rammed my bone, the round one on both sides of my foot, into a table Monday. Now it really aches and I can’t walk without hurting. And my lower stomach is just randomly hurting, so is my back. I hope it isn’t anything serious again. There’s also the fact that I don’t eat periodically, or forget to do so. I’ve gone two “rounds”, I guess, where it’s happened. The first one was in September, after the whole Liezl thing. Second was a few weeks ago for no reason. Semi-normal eating pattern right now. At least the gagging stopped. I’m scared, because I hate the hospital and I don’t want to be confined anywhere. It might just be because my books are tremendously heavy, but then I can’t do anything about it. Maybe I should drink more water too, I might be getting dehydrated. And I am really sore, so I don’t know about that either. Ah, I’m such a difficult human being to deal with.

"I'm sorry.I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" -Tohru Honda, Fruits Basket