I Think I Just Reached My Limit.

Yes,that's it. This weekend, this break was supposed to be a good one, one to be happy with life.And what does in turn out to be? Open season on my father's anger.Most people that found out were astounded at what goes on, because they say that I don't show it.I'm just so used to all the yellling and breaking that I can cover it up easily.They always think that I'm fine, since it's so easy to smile and act. But, I'm not. I've been doing this for years for effortlessly and it was mundane. But this weekend,things escalted:the yelling increased,the threats were scarier,and things broke.It reached its apex and I got scared.
I try not to cry at home, because I have to be strong for my mom.My mom,who won't call the police yet, even now; and for my sister, my little sister that's too scared to go to sleep now.Who else do they have but me? And at school,I never did talk about it, because Liezl didn't like serious discussions, so I always hid it, got over it, buried it away.But now, I just can't. Camille, Caitlin, Theresa...they really care about me,and they notice when something's wrong.No matter how hard you try, you can't fool a best friend.

So,I've cried.I've done a lot of crying this past break,like everyday somehow.I finally told someone everything, and then told my honorary Atehs about it.Before,I never did, because I didn't want to bother people. But school just knows. First period on Monday,the office said to call my mom.I cried talking to her, and thank God AP Art History was dark and no one saw my tears til they dried.But I almost cried again.Morality, my head was down.Third period, I snapped at my friend over something small, I was so easily irritated.And so many people came to me to ask if I was ok and give me a hug. I lied to say yes,nothing came out.So, my mom texted me all period and took me home at lunch.What do I do?I sleep at my grandmother's apartment until eight, get home, and am up until one, afraid of my house.

Today, I was just a machine moving around.Trying to act normal,but couldn't.And then,after school, I don't know.Barkada brings about drama, not in a bad way,but it can.And my mother was on the phone about the place we might get, just me her and my sister.And I was worried about how to leave safely and get our stuff.I guess I looked really bad, because Sarah came over to talk to me about what was up.I tried to avoid it,but then I just spilled.It was so hard to keep it all in.And she listened, and still loved me.I felt so ashamed for burdening her,but she reminded me that we all need people,and that God and SLYM were here.

I cried when my mom picked me up.I cried on the drive to Confirmation.I was late and red-eyed.I had to leave the room because I was going to burst out crying again.Very upset all class. And then, they asked what we were thankful for.I said my mother.Every other single person in that room said family.What was I supposed to say?My almost family? Not to be emo, but every time someone said that word was like a stab to the heart.I tried very hard, SLYM at Confirmation every Tuesday night is my happy place,my escape.Since he won't let me go to youth group on Sundays anymore.I need some sort of way out of the house.That's all I have, one night every week.

I was so distraught this break and week.SO distraught that I didn't do that which I had been resolving to do for weeks.Talk to him at Confirmation.I could have done it,too.His friend that knows and I am close with was in my group.The guy I like was in the next group over, but moved to ours because of his friend.The friend was the only person between us.His friend either spoke to me or him the whole 30 minutes.And all the while the friend whispered,"Do you want to talk to him now? You two already know each other?So I shouldn't reintroduce?" I didn't have the strength to do it.I had the perfect opportunity to talk and it wouldn't be awkward, and I didn't. I was spent.
Even after class, I didn't. I was too emotionally drained to talk to him. FINALLY. after so many weeks. =/ I'm spent. that's it. Too much to handle. I don't know anymore