I hate how...

[Note:This post is dependent on the last one to be clear.It would help to read the prior to understand this]

...I can just go on dreaming what with everything going on. How can I do that? I guess I just really need something to hold on to. Something. But it makes me feel guilty...terrible. I'm not safe,so I shouldn't be allowed to be happy. I really shouldn't. But I still go on trying to fake it. The mask slipped for a day or two,but I'll get it back. I just need something to keep me together. Something to hold me down so that the pieces aren't lost if I break.
Camille says that I shouldn't do that to myself, admonishing. She said that with everything going on, I can't let it take over every part of my being.She wants me to forget it all, at least on Tuesday when I see him, and just stop being shy and talk to him.She says it'll make me feel better, what with all this bad stuff happening. I don't know anymore, but I really want to take her advice.

Only, do I even have the right? To go and try to talk to the guy I like? Go on and just pretend for an hour and a half, that things are all okay and that I'm just some normal teenage girl with no bigger care in the world than whether or not she looks all right when he glances at her, and that she says the right things when he speaks to her, or that she has the courage to even say anything at all. What makes it justifiable to go out and do that, and want to talk to this guy I like, when things at home are breaking all around me? It wouldn't be fair.

And how? How can I go on believing in all this? How can I continually read those novels on love and fate, when I see that breaking all around me? How can I continually watch all my favorite asian dramas any longer ?How can I blind myself with those sad times that always end in happy endings when I know that happy endings hardly ever exist in the real world.I'm starting to doubt whether they do at all.

I hate how everything seems to uplift the perfect romance. Falling in love. Getting to know them so easily. Having it all fall into place. Things getting a little rough and then things fall into place again. WHY? I've never seen that happen in the real world. Is that why we immortalize it so much in expression, because it's something that we all want but can't have? I want that, it's blinding me and try as I can,it just does that. I don't know what to do anymore. All of this is just swirling around inside of me and just tears me apart.

I want to be happy! I'm crying just to be happy, but I don't know. I've been so lost this entire week, I'm breaking, I'm reaching my limit. I know that this is all wrong and that what caused this is bad and terrible. And yet what do I seek? A happy ending! The perfect love! How can I even think or consider those when things all around me are breaking? I shouldn't dream about love at a time like this! but it's all I can do. All I can do to escape that which I'm still in.All I can do to hold on and not reach my breaking point.

And now I find that I am contradicting myself. But I don't care anymore. I don't care about making sense anymore.


Camille's right. I need to do something. This time, that guy isn't going to leave without me having a conversation with him. I'm seeking this "happily ever after" anyways,and I know it'll end badly. But I want to find mine, or finally get used up in trying.