It's Just No Good

I’m really starting to wonder what decisions I’m going to be making a year from now. I kind of want to dorm so that I can take my first ticket out of this house, but I don’t know if that’s the right choice. Maybe I’m being too impulsive and haven’t thought about it enough? But maybe just the fact that my family is so dysfunctional, it should outweigh all the other choices? I’m still on the fence about this, which I guess is alright since I still have time to decide. I guess it’s just important to remember days like today that remind me why I want to get out of here.

I was in such a good mood this morning when I heard them fighting. Then when I got out of the shower, everything was fine. Somehow, everything turned on me for putting my tsinelas too far from the door and not having a satisfactory jacket. I kept quiet the whole way to church, but when mom came in and saw me standing with them(like I always have been lately) she told me to leave and go stand by myself. I didn’t know where it came from, just the first words out of her mouth when she stepped inside the church. Did I do something wrong?

Even at Costco. Angelyn dragged me to go get stuff and when I called mom and asked her where should we meet up, I get “I don’t care where you go but bring me back your sister. Then you can go wherever you want, I don’t care.” Just lovely. I’m starting to get the sense that she doesn’t want me anymore.

somehow, I always seem to upset her now. For some reason, it was my fault that we were at the register early, but I never said anything. she forget something, and she was telling dad. I told her I could get it. but she just turned away from her. When Angelyn asked her, Angelyn got a reply, but I’m the one that ran to get it. I’m the one that ran all the way to the back and almost slipped to make it in time. And I’m the one that got replied with silence.

I’m starting to anger her so much lately, but I no longer see what I’m doing. Before, I could understand that maybe I shouldn’t have asked something or said something. But now I just don’t know where it comes from. It could be my hair one day or my clothes the next. Today, I got nipped at for not praying loudly enough. It’s like there’s no end to the disappointments that she finds in me. I’m scared that I’m never going to be able to do anything right for her anymore.

I wanted to ask her right now. She was in the kitchen and she just made dad angry with all the Tita “Stepmom” talk again and she was venting to me. But I wanted to ask her if she didn’t want me anymore. But I was kind of scared of her answer, so I didn’t do it. but I know that once she finds out that I’m the reason dad won’t leave, she isn’t going to want me anymore. Maybe I’ll tell her after I leave…if I leave. I guess I’m just scared to find out what she’ll say.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I want to leave so badly but I still have second thoughts about it. mom knows I wanted to dorm ever since her and dad got worse, but she always thought it was him. What if I end up telling her she’s the reason I want to leave,too, and she hates me permanently? I’m kind of scared of that,too.
And what if I screw things up for Angelyn? What if I end up messing things up for her because of what I do? What if mom never lets go of her because of what I choose to do? I know Angelyn wants to get away just as badly, if not more dangerously, than I do. Ever since Lolo died, Angelyn hasn’t seen any point in life, it’s really sad.

Plus, there’s no telling what’ll happen to them if I go. I’m scared of getting a phone call in the middle of the night when I’m miles away and just hear weeping and breaking glass, just like when I was younger and listening to it go on outside my room. I won’t be able to do anything from that far away. And anything bad that happens will be all my fault. It’s already my fault that mom’s in this situation, but she doesn’t know that yet. The guilt kills me though. What more when I’m the one that could have stopped something but left since I was too tired of everything to care?

I want a serious conversation with her so badly. Before, she just didn’t take me seriously and laughed in my face. Then, she just gave me silence of changed the subject. Now, I can’t bring anything up with her telling me that she has her heart problems and too much to deal with and that I’m going to end up killing her with all the stress I give her. I kind of feel like I’m in a box now. I just want to get to talk to her and say what I want to say without her yelling at me or taking it the wrong way. But it won’t happen because she’s too close minded and stressed enough as it is.

When I was little, I always thought I’d stay at my mother’s side. I never envisioned this could happen. Why does everything have to look so easy when we’re little? I feel sorry for little kids now, because they just end up being disappointed when they get older. But telling them reality when they’re young is a bitch move, why should we wreck their innocence? Life just isn’t fair.

Needless to say, I can’t sleep.