"You'll Be in My Heart"

That song is really good and I'd forgotten until I saw it on Mahal's phone yesterday. There are definitely a LOT of people that I hold near and dear to me. Because there are so many, I'm lucky...really.

It doesn't matter how long I'm gone, SLYM always welcomes me back with open arms. Is there anything more beautiful? I'm so lucky to have them as a part of my second family. SLYM love just spreads :)

I'm a wreck,no doubt about that. I bitch out when things at home get too much for me. That's really bad. No matter how bad things get at home, I don't think it's ever warranted. But I LET myself get out of hand,I'm so disgusted with myself. Is it so bad that self-control goes out the window? Well, even if it is...it's not good enough. Shame on me for being such a monstrosity. All these transgressions are going to stay with me. I want to take everything I've gone through and learn lessons for later. Later on, I also want to look back and learn knew things. I believe that the purpose of all this was because God wanted me to learn.

To those amazing best friends, I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you guys putting up with me. This waste of carbon that uses up oxygen. I'm sorry. I'm gone a lot and I know that it's so unwarranted. And I'm so stupid for making all these reasons when the core is a fault in me. I'm being so stupid,I just can't face up to everything happening to me. I just want to forget whatever the heck is going on. It's not fair to you guys though,the way I bounce in and out of the loop. I feel like one heck of a prick when I get caught up on so much because it shows how much I missed in the first place.I'm so ashamed of myself for being a straight up bad friend.

Darn it, I haven't been trying. Sure, straight A's all on my own, but I don't know. I need to take them seriously. I study like insanity but still,I do it to get it over with. My attitude needs to change to doing it for AP. And I really need to get caught up for history,because it is just ridiculous. He doesn't teach so I need to get my act together and get on it. And then he just had to bring up SATs last class. I should take the May and June ones,but that is so expensive,right? I have to do well :( So I guess I need to start preparing for that,too. Screw it all, this "genius" needs to get her act together.

I'm so irresponsible. Everything I do just clashes. Social life and club respnsibilities. So many things to organize,no time to dilly dally. So many AP meetings getting in the way of visions,for one thing. Lots to do for Barkada,of course. Too lazy to drop books off at my locker. I need to make AP notes and SAT rubrics for my peace of mind. Ugh!

Well,serves me right? For taking on all this in the first place. Dumb Maryanne.

And yet somehow, Chris tells me that he's the one sorry for being such a handful. But he isn't. If anyone is a handful on Mahal, it is most certainly me. I'm such a wreck that it's pathetic. I am so disgusted with myself for being fragile. If I could just suck it up and shut up,it would be so much easier for everyone around me. No one would be burdened with having to take care of me. He and my friends wouldn't have to worry about me. Mahal,if anyone was a handful,it's me.

It'll be harder once in to second semester. He warns me that he'll end up being a handful on me since he'll have golf practices and games. But, Mahal, you could never be a handful. I'm the one with all the accursed lunch meetings at the start of the tear. You put up with me, I most certainly will with you. You're more than worth it.
What an ugly person : inside and out.