Farewell 2009

So everyone's looking back, but really...why? 

You can say that January 1, 2010 is just another day. But truly, it is. It's the first day of another year, but essentially, it's all a cycle. Nothing is really new but a turn in one of the numbers. But still, a year is a year, that's how we market our lives. It's how we keep track of time. 

"This year, a lot has happened. " 

How cliche, but they do exist for a reason: to be used. Truthfully, there's been a lot of misfortune and blessings this year, but then again, isn't that how any year goes? Just the events are different? But now, I see that scope plays a hand in the matter as well.

 

Let's seeeeeee....

Lolo

Lolo passed away this year. I'll never forget it. You'll never know it until you go through it, the way a single phone call can change everything. It doesn't choose where you are. You could be lounging around at family's house when it comes. That familiar ringtone that you've heard a thousand times before. Answer it. That familiar nagging maternal voice that she always hears, being too loud through the phone. And what is the matter ? News that you've never heard before and never want to get used to hearing.

What do you do? You run. You run for the car and they speed off to the scene. You run out ,even when it hasn't parked. You run as fast as your legs can go across the lot, you run up those stone steps not caring if you graze your knee, and you fling yourself through the door. You try to find space for yourself among all the emergency men crowding around his body that's a heap on the floor. The beeping, the sobbing. You watch them take him away in a stretcher. You hear the siren, and you all sit to wait. 

You set yourself for a few hours, maybe days, wait. The days become weeks and before you know it...it's over. It's over and you find yourself in the flurry of funeral plans. You find everyone sad and black tinging everything. You find yourself moving through water and donning on shades of formal black day after day for the ceremonies. You find yourself somehow greeting his family without smiles, wishing that the communal point that brought you all here wasn't this, anything but this. And you find yourself standing over the coffin, doing the reading for the priest, and watching your youngest sister clinging to the coffin. She's the last to go and she doesn't want to because she knows the next time she sees him, he'll be a pile of dust. You watch the smoke rise into the air, hear the sobs, and turn around. You wait until you get home and take that shiny metal box with you, in it, that's where he is and you know it.

You find yourself at the last place you will see his existence, box and all. You're looking up at the crevice where he shall be placed in to rest, a curtain hiding it from view for the last ceremony. You sit and listen to the sobs and all the testimony. You think to yourself you should say something, but you really just don't want to. You let them take him and that's that. 

You find yourself in a routine every weekend now. Wake up. Get dressed. Flowers. Drive. Freeway. Visit. It's all understood. Doesn't matter who comes along, you just go.

AE.

There's just something about changing a life that can never be described, it does something to you. It makes you feel needed, is that right? It makes you feel useful , that maybe there actually is something about you that makes you important. It kind of shows you that you've had purpose, even when you thought that you were just muddling through everything. Maybe it's supposed to make you feel strong in the sense that what you've done and what you've gone through gives hope to someone else. Eh. But who am I to say?

It's different when you're the one doing the life changing. It feels good to be inspired, to have your life touched and changed for the better. But i think it feels even more fulfilling when you're the reason someone feels that conversion. You know how good it felt, you're just returning the favor. 

Lost Opportunity

I know what I had and I know that it got snatched from me. It hurts though, it would have been such an honor. You've no idea. The consideration was enough for me, but i would have loved to have actually made it. I would have, but I wasn't there anymore. I need to accept that though. But it's hard, i suppose, because i wasn't the one that lost my opportunity. Does that make sense? No, not at all. But that's what happened. Ambition, it was there. Drive, it was there. Passion, check. Time, I could have made it. But they took me. They took me out of there and that made everything else not matter. 

The Apex

It came. Well, it shouldn't have happened, really. But no one consulted me. Well, it broke us all. It's the source of the hardship. It tore us all at the seams with everyone. But now you're all fixing yourselves? well, let's not pretend. Let's do this for reals. Let's "Be a family" because that's what families do. 

<3

Hmmm, to think that I almost lost you. How stupid could I have gotten? Who the hell says "just friends" without meaning it just because she's scared? Who does that? Stupid. To think I could have screwed this all up. But somehow, you knew to wait. I'm so glad you did. It would have been the worst, but I would have deserved it, if you had moved on. That would have been my medicine, but you didn't give me that. You still waited. You waited and this scruffy insane girl that you'd waited for for two years finally came to her senses. 

And it all got better for us from there.

Sure, we had that one stupid scare. That one dumb mistake that tore my family and we both thought I had to leave along with the divorce. that was the worst week ever. Just when we thought we were on top, we thought that we wouldn't get our chance. But somehow, we pulled through and things did work out for us. And we made it work: little Barkada meetings with freezing cold hands and sharing cardigan sweaters, sneaking out during a nap just to see me for a little while, coming back to lend me a book, texting when you wake up til when you fall asleep, keeping me company while your phone company continually dies, calling you every evening after i've moved in and staying til you get sleepy while we both just look up and watch the stars, counting down to the 28th of august and that long hug you owed me. That small, insignificant kiss on the cheek that i doubt you'd noticed. 

Just the little surprises. Meeting up with you at church. Hugs from behind. Lockers. Classes. 6th period. Homecoming. "All About Steve". Significant Cds. Gummy bears. Chewing Gum. Axe. Argyle. Teddy Bears. Sharing scarves. December 7th. That first date. And waiting for the rest to come. 

I am so blessed just to have you. I can't keep crying when you're cheering me up. 

So bring it on 2010. Yes, i will be having to say goodbye to some things when you come, but i'll be strong. 2009 made me strong.