I've Yet To Pick Myself Up..

Where have I been the past few months? Definitely not where I should be.

I try to disregard that it isn't my fault. It's hard though. They took me away from it without any pretense. Four months! Four months away from a youth group? That's practically suicidal. I went back today. I missed them so much. The second everyone saw me, they gasped and ran to hug me. It feels good, but I wish it hadn't been so long since I last saw them all. That youth group was intense. Honestly, way to remind me exactly why I was there every weekend for a year. What the heck is happening to my life? It's so out there, it's full of odds and ends. What am I supposed to do? You have no idea how hard it is to figure out where to turn to with SLYM out of my options. But why is it out of my options? It just happened. 

When I think of the nice things people have done for me, they are ALL SLYM related. When I think of all the nice things I have tried to do for someone else, they are ALL SLYM related. When I think of all the good I have done in my life, they are ALL SLYM related. When I think of the one thing I feel guiltiest about in life, it is SLYM related. It's like this youth group was made for me right now. Honestly, where have I been? I was sitting there next to Alexa holding that paper with all our guilts on it and I couldn't help but cry. Everyone else could let go of it into the water so easily, but I had no idea how I was going to be able to let mine go. What the heck was I going to do when I did let it go? How could I when I killed such responsibility? I don't know. It was hard.

Going around getting hugs from everyone and getting told how much you mean to them reminded me soooo much of why I was there, why I always came there, and why I should always be there. 

I think that Sarah and I cried the hardest. I can't believe that everything was taken from me, I was taken from this youth ministry. Although I've brooded over the months ,it didn't really hit me how much it hurt or how much I had lost until I was there again. I need SLYM so badly, it's detrimental to my survival. Somehow, I'm going to find my way back there. Somehow, I'm going to find a way. 

Because, honestly, I don't have a first home again