Dear, God...

...I leave it all it your hands. Everything is up to you now and it is out of my hands. A few hours ago, it felt like it was all up to me. But now I see that this is your hand at work and I am just going to have to trust you. Wherever you take me to, God, I am prepared to follow you. I know that what you are doing is what is for the best. Dear God, it hurts. But I trust in your will. Please, I implore you, God. Please, give me a few things :

-Watch over him

-Watch over us

-Do not let my mother's health falter

-Keep us safe

-Help us find a place

-A job

-Lead us where to go

-Keep me strong

-Keep my place

I leave a lot...so many responsibilities. Dear God, parang awa mo na. Huwag mo po sana kunin saakin yun pinag hirapan kong pinagsikapan. Kahit yun lang po, isang buwan lang,please. Ma awa po kayo. Please lang. 

Camille, I finally understand how you can just laugh it all off when it is so bad. We're on crack, aren't we? It's so bad you just lose it and laugh. I'm out of it so much right now. I feel like crap and I know that I look it. But you know, you know, I told you that you know. You know that smile that creeps across your face when you think of him and what he tells you. You know that life is so bad that it's all sunk in but you can't help but smile when you think of how sweet he is. And to a degree, you know you know how hard it is to have to leave him. You know how bitter those tears that fall on your face are because you can't stay where he is. You know how hard it is to lift your head up and think that you have to get through this without him because things just aren't falling into place right when you thought that they should be. You know what it feels like to have fate snatch happiness away from you at the very last moment. And that's when it's time to bow your head and pray. Pray that he stays safe and that you make it through without him. And that's when you realization hits. That's when you fall to your knees sobbing into your hands and beat the ground with your fist and claw at your hair at how the world is stacking up all the odds against and you realize that it's so unfair for you, but most of all for him because he's already gone through so much just for you. And you can't help but hate the world for what is has done, but the most is that you hate yourself for what you do to him even when you don't mean it. And no matter how hard you wish to see him and run to him and have his arms around you and tell you that everything is all right, you know that it won't happen. You would rather not have it happen because it would just make it harder for you and for him and you don't want to make things harder than he already has to go through because of you. But then you just can't do it anymore because you know that it's the most masochistic technique you can think of and you're just setting yourself up to hurt when he's gone.

Oh, dear God. This is going to be so hard on me and I just realize it again and again. Why is this driving me insane? 

I'm so sorry to him. You waited for a year and a half so selflessly. I was such an idiot about it. You were and are such a good good friend to me. You have always been there for me. You were so loyal and everything and always looking out for me. And I didn't even know. When all was said  and done, my indecisive mind shot it down and hurt you. Believe me, it tears me to pieces whenever I think about how bad it was for you after all that. But still you waited. You knew so well that you waited and I thank God each and every day that you waited for my mind to clear up or it would have driven me insane if all was too little too late. These past few weeks have been so happy and all you had to do is text. Things were just about to fall into place, we had three weeks left to wait. Right now, it feels so unfair that things are snatched out of my fingers right when it was all going to work out. But I refuse to give up so easily. I can't say the same for you. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. I warned you that I would be difficult, and things just got so much more difficult. You've waited so long and when you thought it was over I made you wait a little more before it all seemed perfect. We're so close but I think the journey just got farther and harder to reach. Still not to late for you to give it up, I wouldn't blame you. I just hope God watches over you because the entire time it all went down I couldn't help but hate how I couldn't answer your call since you were so worried. 

Please, Dear God, please. All I ask. Please.