And So…

[note: i have not had internet lately since the move; so this is to be dated for the 14th of august when i saved it on my word documents]

I cried, I will not lie. I’ve been taking things as they are lately, just silently. But everyone has their limit where they just come to a breaking point. I wouldn’t say that I have hit that just yet, just maybe on the border before crossing the threshold. I feel as if I’m really being tested lately.
This is going to be so hard, moving in here with Lola and Chee now. Just them and us. It’s going to be such a challenge: not trying to go at it with one another. But it will happen. We will come to the point where we are going to be at each other’s throats with words that hurt as daggers never could hope to. It is not going to be fun; it will be stressful. But we are just going to have to deal with it since that is how it is now. But it’s so hard to see my mother put into a bind. She already acted and yet it is not enough for them. They keep pressuring her and asking more of her. Well, I know that feeling. It is not going to end well for any of us if they continue such demands. I’m stepping in as much as I can and putting on assertive airs. From now on, the voice of reason that she has left is me. I won’t let her follow anyone else but herself or myself. No one else, because it’s already gone down the wrong path.

It was only the second visit and I already cry. I didn’t the first time, but that was a bit more light hearted. Not making any sense from hidden to exposed. I hate it. I hate how this is so hard. It’s not fair. I acknowledge that that is life, but it still isn’t fair. I hate how it isn’t fair at all. It hurts that everyone thought that what they were saying and doing is right only to find out in the end that they were going about it all wrong. All all wrong. But what has been done can not be revoked; only learned from. Progress must occur for time to heal the wounds you’ve set it up for. But it’s going to be a hard year. I will get used to it though, I trust that God will give me the strength to do so .

I wish that my father had not brought up seeing Liezl at the mall with a guy. That’s just so unaccounted for. What with all the insanity that is already driving me up the wall and killing me, I really did not need to do know what my ex best friend is up to. It was very hard for me to let things go, harder than hers was. Even now, I admit I have not fully recuperated. Yet, I am going about it as best as I can and was healing just fine. It’ll almost be a whole year! Why did he have to tell me that and make me angry and irritated about it on top of all the other things that are breaking me down? Please, if any of you bear me terrible tidings, I bid you to keep them to yourself until I can assess everything and just settle myself. It’s hard enough settling physically, give me time emotionally.

Four hours of sleep today and no coffee yet I stood all day without a nap. Very very well, indeed. I won’t lie.Today was so so so hard for me. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I just want to burst out crying when no one is talking to me. Do not let it get quiet or leave me alone or else I shall start the tears. It was all fine and well being at Camille’s with Theresa on the phone with Caitlin just talking. It was so so so fun, which I haven’t had in a bit. Yet, when I left, things just went downhill.

It started with my phone running out of battery and so I couldn’t text Chris or call my best friends. That’s just depressing in and of itself. I get into the car and I can not understand what aspect of the situation is making me so sad. Maybe the texts Ninang sent Mom. Maybe the coming back to an empty apartment. Maybe the summer assignments that are not finished yet. Maybe my sister not caring that I was behind her seat. Maybe hearing about Lola and Tito. Maybe it’s just everything. I let out one small sigh and my mother got s irritated about what the heck my problem was, I quote. It made me even more sad, since I said nothing. I kept my sorrow to myself and just sighed one small sigh and she went off on me. I didn’t understand why and thought that it was so unfair. Yet, I said nothing. I just started tearing up silently and wiped them away wishing that I had the other phone battery to text. And then she belittled me by telling my sister I was crying over a battery!! That made it even worse. Then she thought it was about my meeting freedom. It made me so so sad that I was regarded so lightly. I hated being at the mall because it was so annoying seeing all the couples just walking around too. Then I got paranoid about where Liezl might be. I was so sad and couldn’t text him.
I didn’t call him til I got home at around 9 and it was so so so bad today. So sad that I didn’t have anyone to help me through the ish. I just wanted to straight up cry when he answered because there was no one at home to listen to me. I cried when I was telling him how today went,too. I haven’t cried on the phone in…forever.

Maybe that’s why the day got so bad and stayed that way. I’m getting used to him helping me get through all this ish and he wasn’t able to text me today due to the lack of battery. It scares me to think of how things will end, Camille. I’m scared that I am not going to be able to handle any of this alone anymore. Who knows how bad it will get and what will happento me? I haven’t faced ish by myself in a long while. I forgot how hard it was when you don’t pray to God. *sigh*