Cracking.

I just feel like breaking down and crying from the littlest of things. i don't understand anymore. You come home from work upset because of those people. You've been at home resting your injury for about 2 months now but you're still upset. And now you're upset because of family. i get it. people are bitches, they ARE. but you are ALWAYS upset,too. And the worst of it is that you take it out on us. i see how much dad is hurting because of it. you have NO idea how much that man loves you. It makes my skin crawl to think of him as anything but the bad guy, but the older i get, the worse i see the biased light that we once used to look at him. I thought we were past all of the ugly things. Maybe we're just not meant to function as a family. Do you like it better this way? Do you like those silent car rides where NO one is happy? And do you like coming up the stairs as soon as we get home and shutting yourself away in your room while he just goes to bed downstairs? Do you LIKE having your meals alone? Do you LIKE always being so hard on your children who are just trying to get through the day without making you blow off on them? Do you like that? DO YOU?
I always told myself I was going to get out. I was counting down the days when I could finally leave this place. but, i didn't do it. I didn't have the guts to pack up and leave. i just didn't want to leave him. if i was scared but didn't have him in my life, my anger with all of you would have overcame my fear. but i didn't want to leave him. You were right, you were so darn right. But i don't care if you were right. at least i have someone that gives a damn without being upset all the time. someone that doesn't like the system you put in place. at least i have SOMEONE. and i'm not going to be pushing him away the way you do to everyone you love.
i keep swearing i will never be like you. but the more i do that, the more i see how many of your insane, extremist traits i harbor on a smaller level and it disgusts me. i don't want to emotionally be like my mother because you are so broken and you won't let anyone fix you. i don't understand. i get so annoyed with how you harbor everything to the extreme and i NEVER want to be that bad, ever. it makes the people who love you never want to be around you. i would never be able to stomach that.
i didn't get out. i'm still here. and i don't have another chance for a very long time. So, buckle up , mother, we're in it for a long time.