White Balloons, High in the Sky

I wasn't able to go with them to visit the grave during Lolo's birthday since I was at AE. Last week, I was still sick in bed. So, today Mama decided to buy white 'Happy Birthday' balloons again for Lolo. It turns out they flew them for his birthday, but I wasn't there so she wanted to do it again. So we wrote on them , maybe I should've written something more. And then, we let them go, each of us. 

The balloons went up and away so quickly because it's so windy up there. We chased after them when they curved and then we just watched them go up. I started tearing up as I watched them. It was almost like losing Lolo all over again. Truly, we miss him. I do, a lot. It's hard to adapt. I'm used to him not being there, but I still expect to see him back at Lola's the next time we come. 

We used to go to Lola's everyday, and we took it for granted. Now, I don't even see her once a week unless she decides to walk over to the apartment sometimes ,even then that's rare since she has to babysit. I miss my Lolo and Lola so much it's insane. 

It's crazy what time does. It's supposed to let us heal. As much as I want to heal already, I don't want time to pass that quickly. Everything just has to be complicated.  Nothing is ever so simple as 'I want that but not that. Got it?' anymore. It's always 'I want that, but since that comes with it, nevermind. But I really want that.' We can make wishes all that we want, but they often don't get us anywhere. 

This family was torn enough as it was, we really didn't need to lose Lolo. That just makes everything crumble faster. It gives Papa another reason to get upset with Mama when she gets so bent up on our everyday weekend visits to Lolo. It gives Mama another reason to get upset with Lola and Tito for not coming around often to visit Lolo. It makes Mama more irritable with us. And, it makes Mama sad when we come to church. I know it does. Mama never cries, but she does now.

We don't blame God, though. We're just sad at what happened, even though we knew that it had to happen for the best of Lolo. He would have suffered if he spent anymore time on earth and we wouldn't have wanted that even more. It's just...complicated. But that's how life is.

I can't look at white balloons the same way ever again.