I Should Have Listened Better.

"In this world, you only need to look out for yourself. Trust no one else because no one else is dependable. In the end, they will all betray you, no matter how close you may have thought you were. Don't give your heart to anyone, it's just an advantage in the battle."

I can't recall how many times I've been told this by my mother and grandmother. I also can't recall how many times I've rolled my eyes at this. Not out of disrespect for their beliefs, but out of sadness. Why can I not forge stronger bonds?

"Don't every trust anyone!"

I always get told this one, all the time. No one is worth the trusting, so don't do it. I know, i know. It's their mantra of existence. Don't trust. Doing so is fatal and all will fall apart when you do.

I didn't believe them. So I trusted.

They said things would fall apart. It did.

That made me cautious when I got to build things back up.

At least, I thought it did. Maybe it didn't, because I can feel myself hurting again. And I don't think the ones involved this time mean it.

I know, I'm probably too far in over my head again.

I trusted like hell and it's going to hurt like that,too. That's how it always it. With the same force that something came, it leaves with just as much force if not more. It'll hurt. I know it. I just don't know when. Not now, not yet. It's only fraying right now...maybe soon...or later...but it will happen. The inevitable doom that was always predicted as the result of trust. As the result of hoping. As the result of giving your heart out. 

I'm ridiculously foolish, I know that. And yet I continue on with that existence. So shamelessly.It's bad. I'm bad. And maybe this is the punishment.

Favors. Ha. I thought I didn't ask for them.

But I'm stupid and foolish so I didn't know that I did. I'm sorry if that was such a burden to you, even though they were never carried out. I didn't realize that that isn't my place. No matter how much I felt that I gave my heart to you, I guess it didn't matter. In the end, I was wrong. So wrong that I was once again shameless. So , don't worry about my burdening you anymore. I just don't know what to do. 

"In this world,  you should never rely on anyone. They'll hold it over your head until you succumb...and they will always, always let you down."