Fading Memories I

To forget is sad. But what is worse? To forget or to be forgotten? For many people, saying good-bye is a form of letting go. For some, it is easy. For others, it is hard. I'm type of person that has a hard time forgetting anything, be it a word, act, or person. Anything that touches upon my life leaves a lasting impression on me. One of the sadest things that I have found in my life is the fact that I must move on. It's a paradoxial situation. I love being complacent in where I am now, and yet I look to forward to the future. The people in my current status that make up my environment are all very special to me.

It's almost as if everything is a puzzle piece, and I'm not complete unless everyone and everything is always present. When someone leaves or something changes, it feels as if a part of me is lost, and I mourn for a while over the loss that results from that change. When I was much younger, these changes were usually minute ones that only included a person or two, nothing extreme. But time does not stand still, and so neither can change. It was inevitable that I would have to face bigger changes, and one of those had already set upon me at last, 8th grade graduation.

Looking back on it now, that year was one of the quickest of my life. One day, we were all happy to be at the top, and next, none of us wanted to leave. The bonds we had forged amongst ourselves with that environment were being broken, and no one had any say in the matter. It was simply time for change to occur once again. Saying all those good-byes was hard for me, I'd known so many of them for so long. We knew that although most of us would be going to the same place, nothing would ever be the same again. There was no way that all of us would remain friends, as close as we once were. There was no way that no one knew would be invited into our personal circles. There was no way that some of us would be replaced by others. We knew all this already, for it was virtually impossible to resist.

And fight it as much as I could, there was nothing that I could do either. And so, high school came upon me while I was not ready. The first few weeks, I barely made any friends and clung close to those that I had known for years. It took my a while before I was able to open up and allow new people in. My fear might have been that i didn't want those others to be replaced. But in those few weeks or so that I spent with my old friends, I realized that our number had dwindled. We were forced together. Some of us that did not hang out in grade school huddled together, while others we had known so well went on to leave us. I witnessed old, strong relationships die, and watched them form new ones with new people from the ashes of the old.

I can not say that I was inspired by this to act, for I was not. Truthfully, I do not know what it was that made me believe that the time for change had already occured, and there was nothing that I could do to stop it. Time can not be rewound. As people tried to speak to me, and make friends, I allowed them. In time, the inner circle around me, grew. And I found that my own inner circle was incredibly diverse. Very few of them were friends that I had known for so long. Of course, the old are still there, and we do still greet each other. But when I look back on it, it is not as before. Many of us are scattered far, others are mixed in with new friends. All of us have learned to adapt to the change, whether we had wanted to or not.

I am glad and downhearted at this situation. I love my life now, it is perfect the way it is. I believe that I thought so before graduation as well. I am glad for the change, but I also fear when the next one occurs. I have made more friends, and have forged even stronger bonds with the old friends that have survived. The next change will uproot so much more than the last. But that is life, is it not? It is a series of changes and the journey that we take in adapting to them. There is nothing we can do to escape change, it is part of time, and no human has jurisidiction over time.

Instead, the lesson that I have learned is to cherish the present. For it only comes once...